I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.