ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
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me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.