Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
*launders Kohls cash*
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer