I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
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God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth