*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.