Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
You Might Also Like
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
This checks out
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.