My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”