I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
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Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
For anyone who needs this today
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi