“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.