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Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
me: my friends:
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
an airline just for babies.