[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
what’s more important?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT