Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Noah was an idiot.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.