My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.