texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.