I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
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*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.