In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.