EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
And then there were 4