WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?