If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.