4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
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A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)