My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
best review i’ve ever seen
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.