I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently