ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
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Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
so i’m at the stock market right
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years