me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…