my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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My favorite farside!!
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”