[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
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I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.