This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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