I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.