MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
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You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.