How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Breaking news:
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
rapatouille
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
#ParentingFacts
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.