Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
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People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
For cardio I live beyond my means.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
the battle rages on
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”