Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Namaste