me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
You Might Also Like
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes