The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
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January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room