“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Meow
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.