Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
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5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Wikigenius
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me