Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
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hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
#parenting
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.