Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
the answer was staring at me all along
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.