Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.