Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!