My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
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When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Meow
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real