A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
🤣🤣💀
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.