That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Everyone’s family
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
#Caturday
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
When I grow up, I want to be 16