Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.