Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio