Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Can. I. Help. You.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan