[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Sunday
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up