[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
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cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
sleeping beauty
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.