Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
my name if I was in the mob
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.