*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
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i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Merry Christmas
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?